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Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
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"Close the door, leave your fears behind,
Let me give you what you're giving me."
I haven't had much time to post lately, but Russ and I had a WONDERFUL time at Worlds of Fun, we didn't argue at all, we had tons of fun, and we got home safe. I'll have to post the only two pictures we got from our time there later, as well as more details of our trip.
That isn't the reason I'm posting, though. I had this extremely odd dream last night, and it's been bothering me all day. I rarely ever have vivid dreams, and strangely enough I rarely ever dream about my real father. (Who passed away when I was younger, for those of you who don't know.) But this dream was extremely vivid, although short, and my father was the main thing in this dream.
Some random normal dream-like things happened for a bit, you know, when you can't explain it because it was so entirely random and pointless.. until the colors suddenly became very clear, and I felt as though I was actually in the dream instead of watching it like I normally do. I was walking through a fancy restaurant when I passed this room with glass doors. My father was sitting at the table, chatting with a woman. I don't know who she was, and didn't really care, but I assumed she was a business partner since my father was always away on business trips. I stared at him in shock, almost knowing that it wasn't usual for him to be there, and he stared at me the same way. It was extremely eerie. I mouthed the words 'I love you' as clearly as I could as I began to cry, and I ran into the room and began hugging him as tightly as I could. He hugged back, and also started to cry. We continued to hug for a while until I was jolted awake by Russ, who was moving closer to me, almost shoving me off the bed as usual. I didn't mean to be, but I became overwhelmingly upset with Russ, and it continued to throw my entire day out of proportion. I feel extremely, well.. 'emo' today because of it. My father has been dead for almost eleven years, and it almost surprises me that I'm this shaken up over my dream.
Edit: On a much happier note, Vinny (my new ferret) is doing quite well. Driving me insane, but it's all good.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v215/mizzyisdizzy/CABMMX37.jpg
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Comments: Confess .
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"Something about having everything you think you'll ever need
Sitting in the seat next to you."
Well.. I spoke with Russ about some of the frustrations I've been having, and it seems that he has been having some of the same concerns. We talked it out and we're better now. Not completely, but better none the less. Apparently he hasn't talked to Michelle at all since the rumors started, he's been avoiding her. I'm still slightly concerned, but then again he has his worries about me and some of the people I work with also. I don't have any interest in any of my co-workers, though. I guess we're just jealous people.
Me and Russ are going to go to Worlds of Fun this Saturday for our three year anniversary, which I'm excited about. Too bad Oceans of Fun won't be open until the 26th.. I'll have to go there sometime this year also, maybe at the end of July. My friends and I have been talking about taking a road trip for a long time now, maybe we can take a mini road trip there.
I haven't talked about her on here yet, but I have this friend Brittany that I work with. We've been hanging out quite a bit, it's nice to make new friends. She has a girlfriend, Gina, who's father just passed away this week. Hopefully she'll be okay, I can relate to her situation since my father passed away when I was eight, but I don't think she's in the mood to talk to anyone. That's normal, though.
Anyway, I switched shifts for today with Brittany so she can go to the wake, so I have to be to work at 4:00pm instead of 9:00, which is great. I got to see Russ just a little bit ago and he had an interview at his job to get a pretty big promotion. He said it went well, but he won't find out until Monday if he got the job or not. I really hope he did! Wish him luck, guys.
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Comments: Confess .
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"Now that I've found someone,
I'm feeling more alone than I ever have before."
I'm not really sure if things are improving or not.
On the positive side, I was asked by my manager if I was interested in a manager position, which will hopefully be available to me soon. There's more to the story than that, but I feel extremely drained from my energy right now.
Russ and I appear to be doing alright, although I still have an irrational fear that he is going to cheat on me. He's never cheated on me in the past, so I don't really have a reason to think he'd do such a thing.. but I still don't know. There is this girl, Michelle, that he's been hanging out with. I have no idea who she is except that he works with her. Granted, I don't think he's ever been alone with her except to take her home a few times.. but I have a terrible feeling about it. Perhaps it's my insecurity kicking in. I hope it is. I have sort of confronted him about it, telling him that I'm worried and would like to know more about her at the very least.. According to his co-workers Michelle has a crush on Russ, and people at work joke that he's sleeping with her, which makes me wonder if they are closer than he leads on. When I asked if she was pretty his response was "Yes, she's just like you." Comforting. She is also much closer to his age than I am, which concerns me.
He's not a very good liar, so I suppose my best bet is to sit back and listen to what he has to say before making a judgment call. I'm just so scared, though.
My stomach has been hurting non-stop lately, most likely due to stress, and I have to admit that I've been having some pretty terrible thoughts lately. I'm now seeing that I need to go to counseling immediately.
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Comments: Confess .
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| Time: | 5:40 pm. |
| Mood: | lonely. | | Music: | None. |
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"If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark."
I haven't posted in a very long time.. But I was sitting around just now, doing nothing, and realized that I will eventually look back and wish that I had been posting more. I enjoy looking over my past entries, just to see how much I've changed, or how I used to feel.. and hopefully see that things have improved. Right now, things aren't improving.
Life hasn't been so easy on me, and it's starting to take an emotional tole. Russ and I have been fighting for.. a very long time now. He recently moved out, after us living together for over half a year. Our three year anniversary is this month, which certainly doesn't help.
It's strange, we're still dating but I feel so lonely. I see him only a little less than I used to, but I just can't place where this insecurity is coming from, or why. I've found that I am having difficult trust issues with just about everyone I know, so it's probably a good thing that Russ and I are going to be visiting a councilor sometime in the near future. We're still waiting for a call back to set up a specific date.
I've been a little tight on cash lately, but because of my emotional status right now I haven't been taking the necessary steps towards saving any money I may need in the near future. I was out with my roomate yesterday, feeling particularly lonely, and wound up bringing a two month old ferret home with me. He's extremely adorable, and we'll hopefully make good company for each other. It doesn't take some sort of psychologist to see that I'm using Vincent (the ferret) to fill a gap that was caused by Russ moving out, although I definitely feel a sort of bond with 'Vinnie' already.
I am still on the hunt for a car, and a new job, which is adding to the massive amount of stress I'm already feeling. Actually, I need to head off to apply at a few places at some point today, so I should probably be doing that instead of writing this.
I don't expect any sort of response from anyone, although any advice would be appreciated. I'm mostly writing this to sort things out for myself.
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Comments: Confess or Marvel at the 6 Disclosed Sins.
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Friday, January 12th, 2007
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I know that several of you play Maple Story, and I've been getting addicted to the game Audition Online made by the same people. I want to buy items for my character, but I can't in the US. Anyone who plays Maple able to get me a pre-paid card? *bats eyelashes* Or anyone else play Audition as well?
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Comments: Confess or Marvel at the 2 Disclosed Sins.
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Thursday, August 10th, 2006
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| Time: | 1:36 pm. |
| Music: | Coldplay - In my Place. |
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"I never jumped in and rescued you,
But I wanted to."
Well.. a lot has gone on lately.. On the bad side, I'm sick. Bleh.. Also, Russ was fired from AMP because he didn't want to take his undershirt off because he's allergic to the work shirt. Literally, that's it. It's a long story, and I also got involved somehow (not how you'd think either) and was yelled at a lot by one of the managers. Anyway, I've ranted about it plenty so.. I don't feel like typing it all right now.
On the good side, tomorrow is Russ' birthday so we're all going to Adventureland! It'll be really fun, I'm excited. <3
Oh yeah, any of you who have a MYSPACE... As much as I hate that site, I'm kinda getting used to it since I was forced to make one by my friends. >>;
Go ahead and post if you have one, and I'll add you.
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Comments: Confess or Marvel at the 3 Disclosed Sins.
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Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
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| Time: | 7:09 pm. |
| Mood: | Genuinely Happy. | | Music: | Travis - Flowers in the Window. |
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"So now we're here, and now is fine.
So far away from there, and there is time"
I've been learning to appreciate things more, although it's a little bothersome. I miss Russ even while he's away at work, or in the other room.. And every time I say 'goodbye' I wonder if it will be the last time we speak. It scares me. I now understand why some people fear love.
I've decided I'm going to start living how I want to. If I want to wear mismatched, stripped socks. I will. If I want to wear my hair up in childish pigtails, I will. I suppose I received some random inspiration from somewhere, although I'm not sure why or how. I'm going to start living.
I'm sorry for sounding cheesy.. but I've never felt happier with such simple things.
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Comments: Confess .
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| Time: | 10:21 pm. |
| Mood: | Cheerful. | | Music: | Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me?. |
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"Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?"
You know how people say that life is like a rollercoaster? Yeah, well I've really been feeling that lately. Things have been a little rough between me an Russ lately, but today has been pretty great. Not a whole lot happened, but not even the slightest bad thing happened so I consider it a wonderful day. Russ showed up at my house a few minutes ago and brought me a rose, like he used to do. It's sitting on my desk right now, since I haven't hung it up to dry yet. (I love dried roses, they're so beautiful.)
On another note, I've been wearing my hair up for work a lot lately. I feel prettier when I wear my hair up. Not sure why I wanted to mention that, I guess it's also something that's cheered me up lately. xD
That's about all I had to post about for now.. ♥ ♥
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Comments: Confess .
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| Time: | 8:35 am. |
| Mood: | Nervous. |
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"I can't leave you waiting,
But I can't stay and watch this city burn."
It's bee a long time since I've updated, which I feel kind of bad about.. But I suppose I didn't have a whole lot to write about until now. (That and I'm never home anymore. ><)
I finally got 'promoted' at my job, and I'm going to be a game technician now. :D After a month I'll get a pretty decent pay increase (about a dollar raise minimum.) I start on Monday as a tech, but I'm really nervous. The guys I'm working with (I'm the only tech girl xD) know a hell of a lot more than I do, but I know I can do it. I know everything I've been shown, and I'm a pretty quick learner. <3
Aside from that, I saw the midnight showing of Pirates of the Carribean: DMC, on Thursday night!! Best. Movie. Ever. I'm going to go see it again Monday night. :D
Other than that, a whole lot hasn't been going on.. So, I guess I'll update next month. xD (Kidding, I'll try to update sooner.)
Edit: Ohyes, and the fourth of July was super fun. Russ and I went to Jesse's house with a ton of other people. Her stupid neighbors almost killed us with their stupidity. They were shooting roman candles at each other, which kept flying and almost hitting me and Russ. That pissed us off.. then they tried to light them off in their tree (which didn't catch on fire, amazingly.) They also knocked over one of the HUGE fire works, which exploded about a foot away from Russ, who was laying in the grass. I'm surprised that didn't catch on fire either. Other than that it was loads of fun, once we were done blowing everything up (phonebook included, which is kinda like.. a tradition) we swam in the pool until about 12:30 or so. I like holidays. :D
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Comments: Confess or Marvel at the 6 Disclosed Sins.
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Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
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| Time: | 7:57 pm. |
| Mood: | Happy to be home. | | Music: | None (Listened to ITunes in the car most of the trip xD). |
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"And as she carries on without a doubt,
I wonder if she's figured it out."
I'M BACK!! Wow, it feels great to be home. I feel like I've been gone for years, although it was only a week and a half. Later on I'll probably post about all the great stuff I did on vacation (in detail) but at the moment I want to enjoy being home and go see my friends and what-not.
For the heck of it, here's some of the stuff I got to do:
- See my Gramma
- Go to the beach
- Rent jet skis (OMGFUN)
- Parasailing, FOR FREE (Neat story behind it :D)
- Got a tan, although it was when I had shorts on so it kinda sucks xD
- Discovered that I can not find one of my favorite candy bars (Nut Roll) in any other state ><;
- Go Kayaking (Russ and I chased ducks in our kayak, and see tons of turtles, which was super fun)
- Walked the San Antonio River Walk with Russ, which was romantic <3
- Swim at Turner Falls (in Oklahoma) which was also romantic and SO MUCH FUN (Probably one of the best parts)
- Saw dolphins!
- Went to a natural cave type place and spent two hours in the shop finding rocks for my collection xD (I'mmanerd)
- Got lots of pictures, which I will most certainly try to post tons of later on! <3
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Comments: Confess .
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mizui's journal
